


Dave Wilson's Precious Little Life

by eringilbert



Category: The Umbrella Academy (Comics), The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Fusion, Angst and Humor, Fix-It of Sorts, M/M, Quests, Soulmates, please help me with these tags
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-01
Updated: 2019-03-01
Packaged: 2019-11-07 08:07:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17956802
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eringilbert/pseuds/eringilbert
Summary: Dave Wilson doesn’t believe his life is going anywhere. Mediocre band, no profitable skills, and a whole bunch of baggage from a war he didn’t even wanna fight in. However, when a man nicknamed “Flowers” with strange tattoos and a loud mouth enters his life like a cannonball, he finds himself face to face with his six super-powered siblings. The challenge? Win over their hearts by defeating them in battles of totally epic scales.[or, the Scott Pilgrim fusion absolutely nobody asked for]





	Dave Wilson's Precious Little Life

**Author's Note:**

> Continuity? Clarity? Common sense? NOT IN MY HOUSE!
> 
> If you couldn't already tell, this is 110% self indulgent. I'll be very loose with the lore of both The Umbrella Academy and Scott Pilgrim because both properties have some *real* sketchy things that I'd rather not get into with this fic. I don't own anything besides the occasional plot-filling oc, by the way. 
> 
> If you can, please leave kudos and comments! I wanna make sure I'm delivering the best story possible, and comments will help with that. Please give any constructive criticism or suggestions!
> 
> (this is for the klave discord server. ily guys xox)

“We’re the mother-fucking Styff Dylons, and we’re here to rock your world!”

“That’s a stupid ass name.”

“Shut the fuck up, Ella. Let’s get this party started!”

The party definitely started, but it wasn’t the most rocking function to ever happen. Dave Wilson was certainly trying his best, plucking along to his bandmate Hazel’s inconsistent guitar strumming. Who the hell even plays lo-fi indie rock with an acoustic guitar? The glue that seemed to hold the band together was the drummer, his ex-girlfriend Eudora Patch. However, she had literally just gotten out of surgery for a nasty kidney stone that had gotten lodged in her intestine (she refuses to elaborate) so she wasn’t exactly up to par tonight. Like, she still was wearing the hospital band and everything.

Hazel thought they sounded like The Ramones. Dave knew they sounded like three people with Alzheimer’s trying to remember how to play music.

Apparently, the entire audience thought the same way. It was far from a big crowd, but it was sizable enough for a garage show in the middle of what seemed to be a middle class suburban area. Dave wasn’t even sure how Hazel had secured this gig. Hell, neither him nor Eudora has a solid idea of where the fuck they were. Whoever the tall dude contacted, perhaps it was for the best that Dave stayed ignorant. 

“Get out of here, asshats!” yelled a masculine sounding voice from the audience. It was then followed up by a crushed beer can to Hazel’s face. Despite not many people being in the crowd, the boos that came from the audience felt like a tidal wave of disappointment and annoyance. 

Suddenly, Hazel stopped playing. “You know what?” he yelled as Dave and Eudora stopped playing in response. “Fuck you all! Ive got better things to do.”

“Like fucking old women?” yelled a woman with bright red hair.

That’s what made Hazel absolutely go nuts. “AGNES ISN’T OLD!” he yelled as he attempted to throw his guitar at the woman. 

“Jesus Christ, Hazel! Calm down!” Eudora yelled as she tackled down the bigger and older man. Dave just stood on the stage, completely dumbfounded.

He should be used to this by now. Hazel’s outbursts, Eudora’s attempts to calm him down, the crowd getting tired of their shitty music. All of it. Dave Wilson was a certified loser in a certified shitty band. The joke of it all was that he wasn’t even sure if he’d be in this position if it wasn’t...

Wait.

Who was that guy in the back rolling a blunt on the hood of the Camero parked in the driveway? 

No matter who he was, he was making Dave’s heart beat far faster than any fight between Hazel and Eudora ever could. He was wearing a tacky Hawaiian shirt underneath a faux fur coat (the weather app had called for a temperature of 76 degrees, so god knows how he’s feeling right now) along with...leather shorts? It certainly was a combination, especially when compared to Dave’s usual ensemble of a t-shirt and jeans. Today, he prided himself in finding a too-small Pac Man shirt in the bottom of his shirt drawer.

Dave found himself gripping his bass guitar with the fury of a thousand winds. He found himself right next to the strange man, unsure of how he even went from the makeshift stage to the car. The man had 

“Hey,” Dave said.

“Hi,” the stranger replied.

A beat of silence.

“Did you know that the chemical Agent Orange was actually approved by South Vietnamese leaders before it was used by the US in the Vietnam War?” Dave asked. People were turned on by guys who liked trivia, right?

“That’s fucking awful,” the stranger said without a hint of sympathy in his voice.

Dammit.

Suddenly, he began to hear the growing wails of police sirens. “Oh come the fuck on,” he heard Eudora say as the group began to scatter. Even though they were just at each other’s throats, Hazel grabbed his guitar and led Eudora to their dingy van. 

He turned to the man and instinctively grabbed his hand. As he tugged the man towards the van. “Hey, what the hell?” the man yelled. “I can handle myself, you know.” Dave didn’t respond until he and the man got inside the van. All was quiet as Hazel sped off from the house party. After explaining why a random dude in a Hawaiian shirt was with them and getting the address the man would like to get dropped off at, Eudora cleared the air.

“Haze, I’m sorry for getting on you like that,” she said, still catching her breath from running. “I just didn’t want you or anybody else getting hurt.”

“But Dora, you know my relationship with Agnes is something I’m sensitive about!” Hazel whined as he drove the band. Their conversation involving the incident and inexplicably placed John Mulaney quotes continued, but Dave wasn’t listening. He was only trying to figure out what to say to the mysterious and attractive man.

Dave took a deep breath and turned to him, hands fiddling nervously. “I know you were probably, most likely able to get away from the cops,” he began, “but I couldn’t leave you back there. That’d be sucky of me.”

That made the man chuckle. “Yeah,” he replied, “that’s a tad of an understatement.” He reached into a pocket of his coat and pulled out a box of cigarettes and a lighter. “You want one?” the man asked.

Dave nodded and took out a cigarette. “I’m Dave, by the way,” he said meekly as the man lit his cigarette.

“Klaus,” the man replied with a smile. And with that, Dave was officially gone for this man. 

“You’d have to be an idiot to not understand that the dudes behind The Prime-8s are industry plants!” exclaimed Eudora, snapping Dave back into reality. “All bands with anonymous members are like that.”

“You’re just jealous because they have a profitable gimmick,” Hazel said right before he suddenly stopped the car. “SHIT,” he exclaimed. Apparently, he drove right past where Klaus had requested to be dropped off. As he reconfigured his parking, he unlocked the door. “Alright, dude, have a good evening,” he said with a smile. Klaus just gave a nod and jumped out, but Dave being the fool he is decided to follow suit. 

He practically skipped over to the door that the other man was trying to open. “So,” he said, “you wanna go out sometime?” Dave was trying hard not to shake with nervousness. How could he be so attracted to a guy he met only ten minutes ago?

Suddenly, Klaus’s face fell. He began fiddling with his coat, refusing to look into his eyes. “I’d love to, but it’s kind of a complicated situation,” he said after a moment’s contemplation. “I heard you guys were gonna be at that Battle of the Bands thing tomorrow. Can you meet up with me then so we can talk about this?”

Dave was confused. What kind of answer was that? Was Klaus seeing somebody already? If he was, he didn’t seem particularly thrilled at the fact. But this was technically still an answer, and it was better than none at all. “Yeah,” he replied, “we can do that.”

This made Klaus give a small smile. “Well, see you tomorrow,” he said before opening the door to the building and walking in.

“All that for a rejection? Boo hoo!” Eudora called out from the van. Both her and Hazel were laughing at their bandmate’s perceived fortune, but Dave didn’t care. He had met Klaus, and they might be going on a date soon! Now all he had to do was make sure their Battle of the Bands performance was totally kick ass. 

***

Klaus opened up the apartment he was staying at for the time being, excited about Dave asking him out but still nervous. He took off his coat and hung it up on the rack standing idly by the front door. Suddenly, he felt a vibration coming from his left ass-cheek. He took out his phone and saw a text from…one of his siblings.

“So, you’re seeing somebody, huh? We’d love to meet him, you know. :)”

Fuck.


End file.
